Wander alone in the dark

o my blog

2010-02-22T03:41:00.002+11:00

i almost forget i get a blog
why this old sad feeling come back again
i am suppose having fun in HK with all my friends and new life
wait, hell yeah, i did have fun
but why i ain't now
i am stuck here looking at the stupid computer and waiting
how long more do you want me to wait
stop fucking give me a fucking false hope
stop fucking me up
is this what you want
is this the best you can do
an empty promise?

insomniac marcus

2009-10-11T19:05:00.003+11:00

Laying down on the bed by myself these nights
The loneliness feeling hit me like a tsunami
Drowns me, drag me deep down into the ocean
No matter how hard i fight against the current
I am still drowning, still surrounding by the cold dark feeling
Mental strength is useless cause i am still screaming
Screaming for your name from my heart
I thought I already let go, I told myself I need to let go
Trying to forget you is like trying to remember someone I never met
From an angel's wing to a falling star, God made everything, but an unbreakable heart
I wish i can mend it, fix it or glue it
But how can I pick it up whist you are the only one can turn it from ashes to pieces

this is the third place, Rhine

2009-09-20T06:24:00.001+10:00

It is time

2009-09-19T19:40:00.002+10:00

It is time to perform a cardiopulmonary resuscitation for my blog LOL
Yea, I am still alive, may be not for long cos I had been having farewell and welcoming party for months..
You are not going to believe the amount of alcohol I had been consumed for the past few months
Anyway, gonna get my ass back to Melbourne real soon, by the end of next month
But before that, I gotta sit for a stupid examination, it is called the Common Recruitment Examination
It is like some entry ticket to work for the HK government...
FFS, exam again... damn, honestly I haven't done shit for it and I have no idea what it is, God Bless me LOL

Anyway, here is some pictures I wanna share with my Florence's friends since they PLAN to come to HK by the end of this year or next year, here is a few place I will bring you guys beside shopping =]

1. -20 degree Vodka Bar (some of you might notice that I have a few pic with this fur on)

2. Peanut bar (time to be a monkey to have free peanut and throw all the shell onto the floor)

3. This is a must go place for you guys, so I gonna leave it as a surprise for you

Bitter smile

2009-09-03T17:58:00.004+10:00

It has been a while that I didn't update my blog...
I know, I know....

Well I just woke up from my nap again, I am sick recently, so need to stay at home almost everyday..hahaha
Have you ever experienced a series of dream?? I just did
It is quite dramatic and western
No one want to hear the story, well, fuck it, I gonna write it down anyway

I bet everyone watch the movie "Ghost Rider" right
So in my dream, I am just a normal person driving along some random western off-road with my friend, but then there is a cart behind us, a cart with all the silver skeleton decoration on it, but it is ok tho it is a bit weird. Then all of a sudden there is a group of those modified sport cars, yea like those cars in the latest "Fast and Furious", instead of those nice Japanese sport car, they are those 4WD and old school Mustang. Anyway, they just begin to hunt us down for no reason, and the skeleton like stableman stood up and protect us, crushing their cars and dodging bullets and stuff like that... then I heard the boss of the gang offer 1M to take down the stableman, now remember this car, cos it will appear in my dream series 2.

This shinny sky-blue old school convertible Mustang with a buffalo skull on the front take the offer, keep pushing us, and shooting at us.. May be you can kind of expected the cart and the Mustang is both down in the end, yup, they are..wait so what happen to us?? Our car was already destroyed and being sucked into the cart like a magic trick... so at last every single of my friend is gone to meet with GOD, only me remain. Well anyway, I was being asked to take care or to take control of the.... Mustang, I don't know why I agree with it.. just imagine it as a shinny sky-blue convertible mustang with a buffalo skull of it after then I need to pee in reality, so I woke up.. still wanna read more?? ok

After the attack, I was driving in this weird place, it is a combination of dessert, city and seashore... I tried so hard to figure out where the hell am I, at last I did, I was in Nigeria, the boarder of Nigeria. There are some three-wheels-smart-car like tram on the road, and of course busy traffic, so I just drive and drift (since when i know how to drift). After I reach this cafe, it is a beautiful cafe, it is by the sea, then there is a group of Vietnamese chatting about how things going in Melbourne, and blablabla, I found out that my girlfriend (my ex in reality) was getting into some trouble in Mel with them, so I gotta squeeze out some information from them, yea it is exactly like what you think it is, I beat them up badly, but still get nothing. So I went for some weapons, because I only get a shotgun in my car, it belong to the previous driver. The moment I left the cafe, the cops over there start to hunt me down, and now "Fast and Furious" is on, a lot of drifting, speeding involved around the city. At last I found this military plane, those big ass one agree to take me to Melbourne with my ride and a cargo of weapons. THEN, my mom call me...

So this is the finale of my dream, I don't know how I found the group that my girlfriend mess with, they were friends before, just don't know why all of a sudden become like this, o well, i bet some of you might know.... anyway, I called all my friends from different countries, like from the state, Uk, Canada and Hk. It is like two group of people yelling at each other, push around and shit like this. Once I take her back, have her in my arms again, she cried and seems she went through a lot of shit. Then the V group said something really nasty and disgusting, so what is next? I jump into my cargo, giving all my friend a bomb which painted as a baseball, baseball?? whatever, the only thing I took with me is a really sharp and thin military knife, I hide it in my socks. There is no gang fight or any explosion happen. Because I agree I will race with all of them by myself, the one who lose lost everything, (wow so heroic).. Yea, you know the ending right, I win, thanks to the car, but but the car is not a transformer, it just know where to go and what to do to defeat the enemies.. in the end, my girlfriend smile again. And along with the smile, i woke up and said

WTF......

I miss her..

Time to go for war

2009-08-11T19:57:00.004+10:00

2009-08-02T20:11:00.002+10:00

Crawling on the flooring
Even my Dog knows that I am down
What the hell am I doing

Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed

2009-08-02T18:17:00.002+10:00

Thought the wound is healed, though not completely
But at least it won't feel the pain again, I think
Actually the blood that beyond the wound is awaiting
Waiting for a chance to break through the wound and flood again
The funny thing is I am the one who break the dam to let it flow
I ask myself what do I want from you and myself? I don't know
Is it really that important? Is that you or me to cause all this pain
Maybe, but it doesn't matter now

Being here, it is just so empty and lonely
I am not good at expressing in words
But it is so vivid that I can see there is a circle of darkness around me
So tired of drowning all the thoughts by alcohol
You still cannot see it right now, is it?
Because your gaze won't land on my anymore
Or is me thinking too much

From the song that i have been addicted to
"If you were willing to peel away the layers surrounding my heart
You’d realize, you’d marvel that
You are my deepest, darkest secret

If you were willing to peal away the layers surrounding my heart
You would feel the sting of tears
I want you to hear me, see my sincerity....

I’m like an onion, forever in a supporting role
How I wish to have a moment for just the two of us"

My bday

2009-07-23T15:21:00.003+10:00

so yea i am still alive, but my liver is gonna fail soon

LOL

2009-07-08T21:52:00.000+10:00

Stop sneaking into Ben's room, Khai

Skydiving is purely AWESOME

2009-07-04T22:53:00.002+10:00

Skydiving, Skydiving, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!
Ok enough said, here is the photo
Thanks Roy for the company up the sky

Thanks to Roy, William and Khai accompany me to skydive.
Don't like gravity now, go away =[

Cleaning up and more cleaning up

2009-07-01T03:05:00.003+10:00

Cleaning up the drawers which suppose to be clean ages ago
I found so many things, so many memories
Everything that belong to the past
Some belong to the locked chest
But once again, this Pandora's box is opened
All the past is running like a film, scene by scene
Connect, join to each other
All the details is slowing popping out in my mind
The memory bubble blast and turn into this smoke can invade every spaces in the mind
Thinking, rethinking; tasting, re-tasting...
Then.........Smile bitterly
Pathetic...right

2009-06-22T12:13:00.002+10:00

Ain't we all like dandelion?
Grow up and fly away when the time comes

Someone is going back home today
Have a safe flight back =[

17 more days to go..

2009-06-19T17:15:00.002+10:00

Time is running out
Both of my time in studying and the time in Mel
I gotta admit, I will miss all of my friends here
Um...mel....I am not sure, I like a few places here
But I cannot find myself attach here..
I miss the freedom and all the fun
But what is the fun without good company!!! right

Before I shifted in
they are like... dota addict?

But now...look at them =]

Oh, someone is missing in that photo
so here we go

Argh..can't everyone just squeeze into one photo lol

Basically, they are all my spices in Melbourne
Thanks for making things more tasty for me
Will miss you all when I leave..

I can smell the unique scent of my hometown
But I don't want to go back too soon
I am just not ready

Fucking exam please come faster
Let me enjoy the time before I go back...

just want to share

2009-06-19T16:57:00.002+10:00

2009-06-19T16:37:00.003+10:00

Just found this picture from my high school teacher album
I like it a lot, tho it is nothing special
It's just a random snap shot from him
It's plain like water, as simple as ABC
But don't you think sometimes...
Less is more
Like you own few apartments, but all you need is just a single bed to sleep
So why bother yourself so much to go after all those extra things
Just live happily, live as yourself and enjoy every moment you inhale

Good Luck to all my friends

2009-06-17T03:54:00.002+10:00

Good luck to those who already finished the evil exam
Good luck to those who is going to sit for exam
Hope you guys can get a good result =]

Especially to who is going to sit for the exam in few hours time in Frankston
Hope you won't overslept and miss the bus hahahah

PS: hope all of you can leave the examination hall with your head held high =]

Marcuz

um.....

2009-06-12T04:29:00.000+10:00

Skin and bones
Mind and soul
I have nothing but alone

Deprivation

2009-06-07T03:18:00.002+10:00

Do you ever have the feeling that everything has been taken away from you slowly
Bit by bit
Slowly strip you off, it is too late when you realize that
You have nothing left, but just a bunch of broken pieces lying on the ground
All the wounds, shattered memory are lying in front of you
You have nothing but loneliness

Skin and bones
Mind and soul
They are no longer with you with you
They are being in controlled by the other
Damn

jump jump jump

2009-06-03T19:24:00.003+10:00

1! 2! 3! Jump
I like this photo
Beside it shows the wildness of me
Also I hope I am able to jump out of my past
May be this will take longer than just jumping down from the post *duh*
Hopefully there is sunlight awaiting for me when I reach the floor

2009-05-28T15:07:00.001+10:00

在凌晨二點十分慌張想你　吸著無法入眠的空氣
如果是夢境　也許是幻影　我想沉醉在這裡
常常會發現你在我的身旁　聽我當兵的故事很有趣
清晰的感覺　永遠不會變　而你不在這裡陪我
我忘不了你給我最當初的禮物　答應我陪我去尋找我的夢想
到頭來我不是你選擇的人　也許你是對的

2009-05-28T14:57:00.002+10:00

Scrolling through the old photos
Notice you are already far gone
But every moment that we shared still branded inside me
No more sadness that you are gone
Just want to know how is your life sincerely
But there is no point to disturb your new life
I wish you happy with him, and everything in the future
I still smile when I look at our photo
Though lots of things happened between us
But the time that we had is precious
Thanks for everything that you taught me
Thanks for every memories that you gave me
Although it is a bit too late for me to reckon what is lack in me
But I will keep on trying to look for it
All the best girl, I believe you will be famous in time

TIme's up

2009-05-28T05:39:00.002+10:00

It is time to walk out the shadow
It is time to plan for the future
It is time to do something for myself
It is time to be a better person
It is time to be more mature
It is time to grow
It is time to seek the covered potential
It is just about time start walking by myself again
It is time to stop regretting about the past
It is time to stop chasing the past

Everything just end and start at the right moment
Look into the future, though we don't know what it holds
But it is just about right to build the not-yet-finish bridge to connect to the bigger picture
I said everything from my heart
I told you my deepest feeling
Yet, there is one promise I haven't fulfilled
I will do it soon in time
After that, I really did everything I can and promised
What will happen next, who knows?
Lets the future reveal by itself
Lets the mysterious remind mystery

I will always love you
I will always miss you
You are always someone special to me
But it is time to say goodbye

a must-read blog to pump up my emo-ness

2009-05-28T02:46:00.002+10:00

http://thedreaminginsomniac.xanga.com/

it was so much easier to pretend
cos pretending didn't take effort.
pretending didn't make my heart ache.
it didn't make everything hurt in the
absence of your affection.

pretending made it easier to push you away
but all the more difficult to get over you.

i can't work out how the greatest plan
has got me feeling more alone than ever.
nor can i work out how pushing you away
could have worked so damn well.

it took me quite some time but i worked it out.
and realizing that you were never really mine..
i'd rather have to legitimately lose you
over and over and over again
than have to remember.

the first time, you meant it.
but now, it's just out of
obligation and god,
it hurts.

2009-05-24T23:57:00.003+10:00

If there are times in life that will make you feeling trapped
I am there right now
Everything is dangling out in the dark cold night
Do you ever had the same feeling?
I hope it won't happen on you, everyone
One word, one action can affect your decision, your emotion and your judgment
Why
Why I cannot be like before, just walk away with my head hail high
Cause of guilt? Cause of love?
I am really tired of being pull down while I am trying to go on with my life
Damn it, screw it, fuck it

2009-05-24T23:25:00.001+10:00

Fish leong

2009-05-24T14:32:00.003+10:00

For all my banana friend such as MKB, Khai

我坚持的都值得坚持吗
Are those I insist on all worth my insistence?

我所相信的就是真的吗
Are those I believe really true?

如果我敢追求我就敢拥有吗
If I dare to pursue, will I dare to possess?

而如果都算了不要呢
And what if I forget all and let it go?

或许吧
Maybe!

或许我永远都不会遇见他
Maybe I would never meet him

或许吧
Maybe!

或许我太天真了吧
Maybe I'm too innocent!

属于我的昨天之前的结局
The ending that belonged to me before yesterday

我决定我的决定
I made my decision

属于我的明天之后的憧憬
The expectancy that will belong to me after tomorrow

我迷信我的迷信
I'll believe in my superstition

属于我们点点滴滴的伤心
Every bit of sorrow that belongs to us,

我们要各自忘记
we have to forget it separately

属于我们闪闪发亮的爱情
The shining love that belongs to us,

我们再一起努力
we'll strive for it together

我们还要努力
We still have to strive for it

属于风的那就去飞翔吧
What belongs to the wind, just let it fly

属于海洋的那就汹涌吧
What belongs to the sea, just let it surge

属于我们的爱
The love that belongs to us

该来的就来吧
If it's fated to come, just let it come

为什么不敢呢不要呢
Why don't we dare to accept it?

是他吧
It's him!

命中早就注定了的那个他
The one who has already been fated for me

是他吧
It's him!

他原来就在这里啊
He is actually right here!

I think I figure out why am I so emo...

2009-05-19T21:33:00.001+10:00

The reason is
"I know I can get over you, but I don't want to get over you."

2009-05-19T17:32:00.002+10:00

Life has its ups and downs
Just let me float around in the endless life-sea
Though it is dark and cold
Though it brings pain and torture
But just let me float around them
Until the last drop of blood, last piece of me disappear
Hope can reform myself somewhere else slowly
Collect my flesh and soul bit by bit
Damn

why it seems so difficult this time

2009-05-19T13:39:00.003+10:00

Well, another emo post again,
Not intended to turn this blog into such a emo place
But things that I can control won't bother me this much
Or I should say I can manage study, health and other stuff very well
However, there is only one thing that keep bugging me
sigh... what the deuce

Seldom struggle this long for a relationship before
Is it the price to pay for changes?
May be it doesn't worth being a new me cos it hurt more than it can bear
But ffs, I try to forget, but can never forgo
It is stupid to wait, it is stupid to let yourself stuck here
How come I cannot pull myself out this time
I don't want to pretend nothing's wrong already...
It is too tiring
Let me be, let me be what the reality shape me

To her:

Never forget
The day that our destinies join us together
Never forsake
The good old time that we used to share
Though our fate ends here
But you something that I will ever mislay

Noodles....i miss you

2009-05-14T00:17:00.000+10:00

read it from other people xanga.. so nice

2009-05-04T08:44:00.000+10:00

i will never forget the night we were lost beneath the sky
with evening dew soaking through the backs of our shirts
and twigs clinging to the knotted masses of our hair.
i will never forget the tingling feeling i had in my stomach
from going on the tilt-a-whirl with you right after eating.
or the skewed vision and the dizziness that was a result
of screaming too much on that big scary ride i hated.

i've forgotten the things you'd been talking about but
i'll never forget the way your face lit up when you did.
i'll never forget the way you fell silent and your face
turned a violent shade of red when you noticed that
you had been talking the whole time.
i'll never forget the smile that followed when you
realized that i didn't mind listening.

i'll never forget that it was that moment,
that one little moment,
where i felt more okay than i had all year.
and when you took my hand in yours
and pressed your lips to mine,
nothing mattered but you.

you saved me from myself that night.
don't ever forget it.

love,
marcus

2009-04-26T07:20:00.003+10:00

Look to the east, there is nothing can see
Look to the south, there is nothing in sight
Look to the west, there is only disaster ahead
Look to the north, there only has a beast
Looking in front, but you are not in sight

2009-04-26T00:24:00.001+10:00

If you don't need me then please don't pretend you need me
And get the fuck out of my life

2009-04-22T20:42:00.004+10:00

Finally I see HER again for God knows how many months
Though we chat almost everyday through msn
However, i still prefer face-to-face conversation
Yea it gives me a chance to confess, express how I felt to you
But does it really matter to you?

*I guess not*

My friend told me once, it still hurts when he see someone he really fall for before
I told him to relax blablabla stuff,
It sounds easy, he also understand what am I trying to say,
But doing it is another story.
After i sent her back home,
I really want to drive back home without caring the speed limit, but i didn't,
I take time instead.
New environment really change and shape people surround you, your friend, boy/girlfriend..etc
Both in good and bad ways.
I realize your changes,
There is something I can see behind you,
I don't want to say anything,
But what if the thing I see is true, she is gonna fall so bad..
However you cannot stop her from doing anything,
I don't have the right and I won't
Just wish I am wrong and all the best..
But if you don't believe what I am telling you,
Why you bother asking in the first place

May be it is time to fade
Let me fade, let me vanish
Let me rot, let me perish
I will be the current to help you fly
Spread your wings and shine
Like the sparkling firework
Don't look back
I will be the smoke remain
Wind will blow me away
You won't be seeing it again

-edit-
this picture is just for fun, but i think most guys share the same feeling..lol

2009-04-06T21:17:00.000+10:00

Raining outside, raindrop non-stop hitting the rooftop
That is how heavy the rain is
Can hear the complain from the roof,
The rain keeps hitting onto it, TITIITDODODODo
May be it is better to hit it through
Instead of hitting on it continuously

broken

2009-04-05T19:41:00.000+10:00

May be it is time to move on
May be you make up your mind already
Let it be, if that is our destiny
Let it go, but the scar is still there
I thought it won't hurt, but obviously I am wrong
Why I cannot erase you away from my heart, mind and soul
I don't want to be like that anymore
I cannot hold anymore harm and pain
My body is already torn into pieces
I have no more strength to fight anymore
Why don't you just make an end now and ever
Let me break into pieces and let the wind blow me away
Let me lay on the ground, everywhere, anywhere
I believe one day there is someone can make me complete again
I hope that is you, but is it possible

Drink Drank Drunk

2009-04-05T12:48:00.000+10:00

Drinking alcohol like water, keep swallowing down even the taste makes me sick
Alone in the corner, staring at the ripples slowly spread
Alcohol kicks in and you are along with it
Slowly flashing back the time that we had
Spacing out, looking at the air, the smoke and dust form your lovely face
That is so fragile,
I wish I can touch you, but you will be vanish if I place my finger on it
You are so close, yet so far
Leaning back, hoping the heartbeat will slow down
Close my eye, hoping can calm my mind
Breathing slowly, just wish I can breathe the same air as you
But you will never know, I guess no one will ever knows

Back again

2009-04-03T07:15:00.000+11:00

When is the last time since I post anything on my blog (here or xanga)?? May be around three months already.. Yea I know my blog is a bit emo, it is emo because I am suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder and Insomnia.

You know you cannot sleep, and you just let your mind wander, to lalaland or wherever your mind want to go, somewhere you wish your mind can rest and chill, ironically, it always go to some place deep down in your unconscious, dig out something you try not think, not to touch throughout the day or for a long period of time.. it is cruel to me, but somehow you just cannot control yourself..

Nightfall

2008-03-06T19:01:00.000+11:00

Nightfall, you are never a stranger to me,
We are old friends, you give me happiness and excitement
I gave you my strength and youth
But why, why you become so cruel now?
Every time you come
You swallow me down to this alley
A place with nothing, only spears and arrows make of fear, worries and little strength pointed at me
They shot at me while I am still in the air
But I cannot die because you put strength in the weapons
It's just pure, endless torturing until you go away
One minute before I might still be a warrior, but you take off my armor and strength, turn me into a helpless kid
And swallow me down mercilessly
I belong to you
I don't have the strength to fight back
But please, don't be so cruel to me

2008-02-26T16:58:00.000+11:00

What is this all about?
A relationship that make you angry and argue
What the fuck is it? is it a relationship or love?
i believe that words can express happiness, anger, upset and all sort of emotion
But i am not really good at it, especially in english
I don't want to hide my feeling, but if i don't hide it, it will lead to a fight
sometimes i doubt why people want to be in love?
they cannot expect the other one to understand exactly how you feel
it never can anyway, everyone is unique, unless you want to fall in love with a mirror.

"Love is like Three-legged race, if you don't want to fall, then both of you gotta co-operate with each other. If one person want to go to east, you need to follow him/her, its very difficult to do that and as time goes by, the selfishness will hurt both of your legs." *hope you understand what am i trying to say*

New Blog, AGAIN

2008-02-12T19:34:00.000+11:00

How many blog I had so far?
Two or three, I cannot remember, but I guess it's not that important
O well, I had a xanga, which I use the most before,
writen down everythings, like what I ate, when I sleep,
crap like that.. although I did wrote down some of my thought and feeling
but just a small amount of it compare to the living details
The reason why i create this blog is I don't know yet, I hope you can help me find it out
*may be no one will continue reading it*
yea, I admit that my english isn't that good, but I am trying my best
so if you are reading my entry, and if you are interested in keep reading it
please feel free to leave a comment to correct my grammar or spelling mistake =]

This is the main reason why i want a new blog
I want to write down the feelings that are big enough to make think
make me wonder.. no matter how small it is, i just hope that there is someone out there
share the same feeling as me, i hope.

This is my last year of uni, i hope, i am thinking continue my study in china
but i don't want to break up with my gf, you can say i am very stupid or love is everything to me
it's just we come through a lot of shit, and some of them is bad enough for most people to discontinue their relationship
but we are still together, we had been together for almost 2 yrs now, to me everyday is still the beginning of the relationship
i won't say she is the ONE or something like nothing will make us apart beside death, but close
may be there will have someone better in the future, may be there is someone better than her
personally i don't believe in may be, but i think i gonna have a long distance relationship with her
i hope it will work, but just so many feeling cannot get away, i try no to think about it, however, it's still there
well, wish me luck guys, i know this entry is a bit long, but its not finish yet
i will continue tomorrow, kinda tired, good night guys